less like scars and more like character

I am rebuilding.

I am relinquishing bitterness, resentment, longing, sad songs, arguing, self-doubt, insomnia and hurt.

I am not broken. It may have felt that way, but I am whole, I am full of life and love, and I refuse to be jaded or cynical or weak.

There is not a single person who I do not love.

I tip my hat to friends like Hillary and Lewis who have the strength and courage to use their own experiences to 1) speak out against those who would manipulate Christians' hearts and minds using their own version of the Gospel, and 2) be comfort and sound counsel for those being wounded by the same movements. Perhaps one day I will be in a state of mind to do the same, but for now, I enjoy sharing what these wonderfully articulate writers have to say.

During these past several weeks and months, I realized for the 18930849th time that I truly have the greatest family. They will always be here for me, even when I'm too miserable to notice. I don't deserve them, but I thank God every day for them.

God also surrounded me with the most loving, caring, honest and supportive brothers and sisters in Christ who I am so, so blessed to call my friends.

My life has purpose.

I am not looking back. I am looking ahead.

When I get to Heaven, God will not care that I wore pants, that I didn't believe in courtship or that I listened to music other than K LOVE. He cares about His children, not the rules they make for themselves.

I will go where He leads. Nowhere else.

In peace and love,

Shelley

wedding post part 2

I had every intention of writing this BEFORE the wedding. As Mraz would say, I'm the best definition of good intentions.

Oh, my sister's wedding. I don't know where to begin. I have seen few days as happy as this one was. And rightly so. My sister CJ deserves every happiness in the world.

I remember a time when CJ couldn't get out of bed for a whole year. The house stayed dark and quiet. I watched her become progressively weaker and sadder. I remember thinking, "Why in the world is this happening, and when will it end?"

Seeing CJ's beaming face on Saturday is something that will stay with me forever. Her unimaginable trials will always be a testimony to God's unfailing love and protection, and now through it all, CJ is a strong, healthy, talented, beautiful woman after His own heart that I am so blessed to call my sister.

As it should have been, the day of the wedding was perfect. She, of course, looked absolutely beautiful, the setting was pristine, the weather crystal clear and bright, and (much to the concern of my mother) nothing went wrong. Nothing? Nothing. Like I said--it was perfect.

It should go without saying that the goodbye portion of the night was hard. After a good half hour of crying and hugging, CJ and Tony Longenbaugh walked through dozens of sparklers to their getaway car, and then they were gone. I can't talk about it.

I'm so grateful for my sister and my new brother. Dok, you'll always be my twin. :)

Love,

Shelley

human

Today's Song of the Day on my sidebar is brought to you by one of my favorite bands, The Killers, and this song is one of their best. I've discussed with several people the meaning of this song, and this is the part where I'll try that again, for the sake of clarification. This is how I understand the song, and perhaps, if you know me well, you can see why it means so much to me.

Are we human, or are we dancer? This is not an arbitrary, meaninglessly poetic question. It is actually very thought-provoking. In this context, dancer is used disparagingly. A human thinks, feels, acts based on instinct and personal decision. A dancer is controlled by someone else...similar to a puppet. A dancer has no will, but rather, only does what someone else has taught or told them. This is not a prison--dancers put themselves in this position. Up to the platform of surrender, I was brought but I was kind.

Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord. This line is confusing. On the one hand, it could be a reference to surrendering all personal responsibility to someone else and losing your own life force--essentially, belonging to someone else and dancing for them. On the other hand, it could be just the opposite, with cutting the cord referring to being released from another person (i.e. cutting an umbilical cord). Perhaps it is meant to be taken either way, depending on if the reader/listener feels we are human or dancer. I'm still not sure which way I want to take it.

The second verse explores the reality of being a dancer. Pay my respects to grace and virtue, send my condolences to good, give my regards to soul and romance...so long to devotion...wave goodbye, wish me well, you've gotta let me go. If we go with the implication that dancers don't feel (again, in THIS context), then they have to let go of all of the above. Grace, virtue, good, soul, romance, devotion...they are all meaningless to a dancer (--side note: grace in its abstract, mental form--obviously, dancers possess massive amounts of physical grace).

My sign is vital, my hands are cold...there is no message we're receiving, let me know, is your heart still beating? Vital signs indicate that a person {>human<} is alive, whereas cold hands are associated with a lack of life or warmth. A beating heart is another sign of life. Would a dancer know if their heart wasn't beating, though?

Throughout the song, the singer seems to imply that we are, in fact, dancer, but keeps going back to the question: which are we? I'm on my knees looking for the answer. The lead singer of The Killers, Brandon Flowers, is a devout Mormon. It could be that this question so puzzles him that he is asking God for help. This is strangely coincidental, seeing as how God is the only One for whom humans should dance. That was not the point of the question, however. As a Mormon, Flowers understands that he is to follow God's commandments (whether or not I agree with him on what those commandments are is irrelevant here). Flowers is talking about dancing for people--a dancer who is willing to make their every move based on direction from someone else.

In an interview, Brandon Flowers said that he was inspired to write this song when he heard a friend of his complain that "we are raising a generation of dancers" with dancers having the same unfavorable context. I sincerely hope that my generation is not one of dancers, and I won't claim that I am one or the other. All I can say is I wish I was in love with a human.

Love,

Shelley

wedding post part 1

Well, by the end of the week, my sister Cathryn will be married. The first of the "B team" to say "I do." She'll be leaving behind her younger siblings and joining the ranks of the fabulously married ones. And she'll be moving away. :( But we're not thinking about THAT right now! We're thinking about how busy this week is! I took Wednesday through Saturday off from work so I can do bridesmaidy things. Monday is almost through, and it feels like it's taken forever. This morning, CJ coerced her two bridesmaids (Beth and me) into cleaning the disaster that calls itself the game room at my house. {Yuck.} Then I abandoned them for several hours, opting instead for what turned out to be a very distracted and unnerving shift at work. This evening will see a lot more cleaning. Tomorrow I'll work for the better part of the day...after working 9-5:45, I'm not sure how much cleaning I'll want to do! I'm taking the night off! ;)

Things will get more exciting the closer we get to the weekend. I'm so excited about all the people coming into town for this wedding! My BCF (Best Cousin Forever) Courtney who is all of 4 days younger than me will fly in on Thursday! She's the greatest. :) Also coming on Thursday is my {newish} fantastic friend Hayden, flying in all the way from California! I can finally put a face with the phone number--we'll have such fun. Of course, these two wonderful people don't compare to how excited I am that ANNIE IS COMING. I can't believe it's been a year since I last saw my sister and her beautiful family. I can't wait to see my baby niece! I am ecstatic. Thursday, Thursday, Thursday. Come quickly, please?

Saturday is going to be an unforgettable day. I get to stand up in my "twin" sister's wedding...I get to help her on the best day of her amazing life (more on this in wedding post part 2). So, so, so many people I love will be there. Of course, the one person I desperately want to be there won't, but c'est la vie maintenant. The day will be incredibly special, and I can hardly sleep at night, partly from excitement.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this post, coming to you Thursday or Friday!

Love,

Shelley

no change of heart, a change in me

Very few things make me quite as happy as cool weather. Yes, summer is nice for flowy skirts, greek sandals and tank tops, but oh...what I'd give for a year-round fall. Time to pull out the sweaters, black tights, boots, and, of course, my red plaid coat. :) Fall and winter agree with me.

As I walked outside this morning and was met with the 60 degree air, I was immediately flooded with memories of last fall--the feel and the smell of the air took me back to a time when my life looked so different, even just a year ago. I was reminded of being at Northwest Vista, the people there I hung out with, all the time I wasted, all the mistakes I made, all the laughs I had. I also remembered Black Friday shopping...deathly cold, running on absolutely no sleep, crying from exhaustion, falling asleep at Starbucks...not the BEST shopping trip ever, but it makes for a hilarious memory. So all of this made me think about all that has happened since I last felt chilly walking outside. This has without a doubt been the busiest, craziest, happiest, saddest, most wonderful year of my life. So much that I never could have imagined happening happened. All of this realization made me catch my breath. I serve a sovereign God. This busy, crazy, happy, sad, wonderful year is everything He planned it would be. What a beautiful reminder. I say this all the time, but it bears repeating: nothing surprises God. When life surprises you, remember that. It's such a relief. God made me who I am today, and He used the best and worst of circumstances to do it. I am grateful.

put on your Sunday clothes, there's lots of world out there

"Why do you dress nicely for church?"

The above question was asked to me a few weeks ago at my church. To my surprise, I had never given serious thought to it before. As far back as I can remember, my parents have set standards for dress, including for Sundays. When I was a very little girl, I would never dream of wearing anything but a dress to church (albeit, I would never dream of wearing anything but a dress, at all). My mother would brush my soft curly hair (while I enjoyed the soft curliness of it, having my hair brushed was one of the worst things I could think of, right next to wearing tennis shoes or worse...pants), help me distinguish between white and off-white tights and pick out a "twirly" dress.

When we moved to Hawaii, tights became less practical, and were reserved strictly for ballet lessons. My hair had turned blonde and wild, but Sunday was the one day when I simply had to get every knot out. In those days, my church clothes were still primarily dresses, including one or two muumuus (oh yes).

Moving back to San Antonio saw me branch out a little bit, and mix in denim skirts and shirts to my Sunday attire. In those days, my parents not only had rules about clothing, but hair as well. Although this became less of an issue as we got older, for several years, my sisters and I weren't allowed to wear our hair in ponytails to church. Hair needed to be brushed and left down, held back with barrettes, or french braided (every self-respecting homeschooled girl knows the joys of french braids).

As I got older, I began wearing pants to church occasionally, but always "nice" pants. I would never dream of wearing jeans with holes (to this day, I seldom wear jeans at all to church). It was always dressed up, never casual, hair was done, makeup neat.

So thinking back over all of this, and looking at how much the way I dress for church has changed over the years, I realized (rather late in life, I'd imagine) that it's not aboutwhat you wear, but why you are wearing it. It's your attitude. I dress nicely because I am in the Lord's house--why wouldn't I want to look my best for Him? Not that He cares what I look like, obviously, but even so, I want to be presentable. So for me, dressing nicely has everything to do with perception. At 8 years old, I would have thought that wearing pants or hair in a ponytail to church wasn't nice enough. That had everything to do with my perception of what nice was. Now, I feel presentable when I wear pants to church, because I can make it look "dressy." The reason my parents had a rule about ponytails was because when we were younger, wearing a ponytail meant not doing our hair--throwing it up in a ponytail holder so we didn't have to mess with it. That isn't how I think of it today. Again, it was about attitude. Dressing "nicely" is relative--what is nice to one person may be far too casual OR over-the-top to any other given person. Let's not judge fellow believers on what they wear when they worship--or what they wear at all. The Lord calls us all to different standards of dress, and it is our own to work out based on how we feel He has called us.

Love,

Shelley

Trust me

Ever noticed how loosely we throw around the word "trust?" It's a big deal to put your trust in someone. To have faith in them. To believe that they won't let you down.

I have a "childlike trust in the goodness of others." Unfortunately, it sets me up for disappointment more often than not. I simply force myself to believe that people, in general, are good, and that they won't disappoint or hurt me. Of course, that is generally not the case. People, in general, are bad. People are not trustworthy, and they will disappoint you.

Last night, sister Beth, almost-sister Cristen and I were having a somewhat melancholy discussion about trust. The conclusion we came to was that God must have made us all so untrustworthy on purpose. If people could be trusted, no one would need to trust in God. That is the comfort in which I rest. When people inevitably fail me, God will never.

However, even after coming to this realization, I still tend to place my trust in faulty, fallen people. I can't exactly help it. After all, I am part of that faulty, fallen people. I trust too easily. I suppose it goes along with being an optimist. There's nothing wrong with wanting to assume the best in people. I'm not saying I think that one should never trust another person. What I'm reveling in is that I know there is One who will never, ever give me a reason not to trust Him. He gave me the gift of faith in Him, and I can always rest in that. It's an amazing feeling.

To hear with my heart

To see with my soul

To be guided by a Hand I cannot hold

To trust in a way that I cannot see

That's what faith must be

~Michael Card

Love,

Shelley