a grateful people

Thanksgiving is here...I'm giving thanks. I have been blessed with so much--more than I could ever ask for. It's definitely been a rocky year, and God knows I've not been quiet about it, but today, I'm reflecting on things I am thankful for.

• Christ
• Freedom
• Grace
• John and Cathi Warren...for everything and more
• Siblings: Aubrey Russell; Kristen Slaughter; Annie Welty; Cathryn Longenbaugh; Nathan Warren; Beth Warren; Caleb Warren; Timothy Warren...I couldn't begin to imagine a better group of people to call my brothers and sisters
• In-laws: Dirk Russell; Dave Slaughter; Caleb Welty; Tony Longenbaugh...for taking such good care of my sisters
• Nephews and nieces: Jonathan; David; Joshua; Isaac; Abigail; Samuel; Molly; Warren; Henry; Carrie; Liam; Baby Slaughter; Erin; Judah; Savannah; Longenbaby...you light up my life
• Dear friends: Cheyenne Sabo; Hannah Cisarik; Chris White; Hayden Fletcher; Cristen Gauthier; Rachel Wells (and many others)...I can't tell you how incredible these people are
• My job and the fabulous girls I work with...I know God put me there and with them for a reason
• My piano...for still being there for me, whenever I need it
• My church family...what an excellent, loving group of believers
• The girl at the Starbucks in Barnes&Noble at La Cantera...she always knows what I'll order, and she always makes me smile
• Lewis Wells and Hillary McFarland...God uses these amazing Christians in such astounding ways
• My red platform heels...they make me feel pretty
• My adorable pink computer...for not dying...yet
• This blog...for helping me keep track of my rambling, disorganized thoughts

I hope your Thanksgiving Day is filled with 100000000009 reasons to be thankful.

Thank YOU.

In love and thanks,
Shelley

no more, my God

I am an open person.

Depending on who you are, you may either condemn or condone me for that. Take it for what it is, there is very little that I hide.

I have been extremely transparent on this blog, and for that, I have recently received both praise and criticism. I asked for neither. I understand both. On the one hand, I am grateful that others find my transparency refreshing. It makes me feel like all of this writing isn't for nothing. On the other hand, being transparent means being honest about not only myself, but the relationships I have, and the people involved. So I get that others who aren't as open as I am don't take too kindly to receiving a shout-out from yours truly for all the world to see. So, I'm sorry if it makes people feel uncomfortable, but this is how I'm trying to live my life: honestly.

At this time last year, I was not nearly this person. I had a relationship (not a romantic one, but a clandestine one nonetheless) that I kept completely hidden from everyone important to me. I started lying about little things--things that didn't even matter. I severely damaged my relationships with my parents, my siblings and my friends, I wasn't sleeping, wasn't studying (I honestly do not know how I managed to pass all of my classes). Getting caught the first time did nothing--I just got more elaborate in my dishonesty. It took getting caught a second time; this time with much more painful consequences, to make me realize how I was ruining my life at the tender age of 17. So, I made some drastic changes. I had to work hard at gaining back all the trust that I had lost. It was one of the hardest lessons God ever taught me.

So now, a year later, I keep almost nothing to myself. Concealing things did absolutely nothing but bad things for me. So this is who I am. You can find nearly everything there is to know about me on this blog. The good, the bad and the ugly. And that's the way I like it. I don't want to be private or hidden or mysterious. I want to be open and honest.

So for openness and honesty's sake, this is about as transparent as I come:

There are still some nights when I can't fall asleep because I'm caught between bitter anger and devastated love for him. There are some days when I look in the mirror and feel like if I was a better person he would have fought for me. I never walk into Ann Taylor without looking at the chairs outside and wondering if today is the day he'll come see me. Every few days, I send him a text to see if my number is still blocked from his phone. Then there are days when I go several hours having completely forgotten about him, only to wake up rudely. I feel like a complete mess sometimes.

BUT, I know that Christ loves me. He didn't fight for me--He died for me. There is never a time when I can't have access to Him. He was with me when I could hide everything from everyone else--I couldn't hide from Him. He was with me when I didn't wear makeup for days because I cried too often. He is with me now as I am trying to figure out all of the lessons He is teaching me through this. And He'll be with me forever. Without Him, I am absolutely nothing. Without Him, I AM a mess. But I am not without Him, and because of Him, I am not a mess. He won't let me be.

There you have it. I have no problem telling you all of this, because God didn't make us to hide behind fake smiles and syrupy "I'm fine"s. He didn't give us emotions so we could hide or slight them. Feelings are for FEELING. I refuse to feel bad that I don't hide them all away. I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can say, "I'd do it all over again because of what God did through it all." I still pretty much wish it had never happened. But I'm very hopeful that I'll get to that point at some point!

In love,

Shelley

PS. I will always be ready to be your friend.

I'm here

Promises Like Pie-Crust ~~ Christina Georgina Rossetti

Promise me no promises,

So will I not promise you:

Keep we both our liberties,

Never false and never true:

Let us hold the die uncast,

Free to come as free to go:

For I cannot know your past,

And of mine what can you know?

You, so warm, may once have been

Warmer towards another one:

I, so cold, may once have seen

Sunlight, once have felt the sun:

Who shall show us if it was

Thus indeed in time of old?

Fades the image from the glass

And the fortune is not told.

If you promised, you might grieve

For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe

I should fret to break the chain.

Let us be the friends we were,

Nothing more but nothing less:

Many thrive on frugal fare

Who would perish of excess.

I'll always be here.

Love,

Shelley

for the weary and troubled

Now that my sister is married, the responsibility of church music has fallen to me. I'll save most of that for a later post, but for now, while going through some new music given to me by my brother-in-law/pastor, I fell in love with this hymn that spoke to me loudly and clearly. I hope it blesses you as much as it has me.

Dear Refuge of My Weary Soul (Words: Anne Steele; Music: Kevin Twit)

Dear refuge of my weary soul

On Thee, when sorrows rise

On Thee, when waves of trouble roll

My fainting hope relies

To Thee I tell each rising grief

For Thou alone canst heal

Thy Word can bring a sweet relief

For every pain I feel

But oh! When gloomy doubts prevail

I fear to call Thee mine

The springs of comfort seem to fail

And all my hopes decline

Yet gracious God, where shall I flee?

Thou art my only trust

And still my soul would cleave to Thee

Though prostrate in the dust

Hast Thou not bid me seek Thy face

And shall I seek in vain?

And can the ear of sovereign grace

Be deaf when I complain?

No still the ear of sovereign grace

Attends the mourner's prayer

Oh may I ever find access

To breathe my sorrows there

Thy mercy seat is open still

Here let my soul retreat

With humble hope attend Thy will

And wait beneath Thy feet

Thy mercy seat is open still

Here let my soul retreat

With humble hope attend Thy will

And wait beneath Thy feet

I'll be honest. I cried the first time I played it. God gave me this hymn exactly when I needed it. Weary is definitely the word to describe my soul. I needed to remember to take refuge in Him. I can't get rid of my frustration, anxiety, weakness or pain. Only He can.

If you think the words are beautiful, listen the melody here.

Love,

Shelley

remember this time?

I've been feeling very nostalgic...it happens every time Fall comes around. Go figure.

I remember when I turned 6, Beth and I had our birthday party in an almost-empty house, seeing as how we were gearing up for an overseas move the following week. Pawpop and Grandma gave us Barbie balloons. We thought it was strange, since we didn't play with Barbies. But the balloons were nice.

I remember getting lost at Waikiki Beach 2 weeks after moving to Hawaii. Beth knows she left me on purpose.

I remember spending the night at my friend Sarah's house, getting my hair caught in a hairbrush and having to cut my hair off the brush at 2 am. We laughed so hard.

I remember turning 7 during Vacation Bible School, and getting my first Bible.

I remember my daddy baptizing me at the North Shore.*

I remember decorating the Easter Cross with all kinds of flowers with Beth and our friends Sarah, Hannah and Stephanie. It was beautiful.*

I remember boarding the plane to move back to San Antonio. I can only count on one hand the number of times I have cried that hard.

I remember hating San Antonio with a white hot fiery passion.

I remember getting my ears pierced. It didn't hurt.

I remember the first Sunday of Covenant of Grace, in a tiny hotel banquet room, with a handful of wonderful families.

I remember meeting Ms. Penny...she understood me right away. It blew my mind.

I remember singing For Good with my friend Nicole.

I remember taking pictures on a rainy day with my friends Hannah and Rachel.*

I remember going out to eat in Fort Worth with my parents and my eight brothers and sisters...just us. I think that's the only time that has ever happened. We ate lots of sopapillas.*

I remember co-producing a 10 minute movie with my friend Andy and a bunch of fabulous people.

I remember co-directing Psalty's Christmas Calamity with CJ and Beth. It was then that I was given the nickname, "Psalty Nazi." Let's just say I have a very, very loud yelling voice.

I remember going hiking with most of my family, and coming home exhausted, but with enough energy to wolf down mom's tuna stuffed potatoes, and cast lots for the leftovers.*

I remember my first day at Northwest Vista. 16 years old, and no idea what the hell I was doing. I never turned in homework in French 1, because I was under the impression that homework assignments were optional.

I remember going to see Wicked.*

I remember the night when my friend Cheyenne and I sat in my bed and, for the first time, talked about one day being sisters.

I remember going to the zoo over spring break with Nathan and our friends Hannah, Rachel and Chris. Nathan was blocking the rhino.*

I remember my senior recital. It scared me to death, it stressed me out beyond measure, but I'm so glad I did it.

I remember seeing Toy Story 3 at midnight with my friends on my 18th birthday.

I remember sitting at Starbucks with my friend Josh after smoking my first cigarette, talking about nearly everything.*

I remember Beth piercing my ears with a piercing gun. She was more freaked out than I was.

I remember CJ's wedding. I miss that day.*

*My favorite days.

I believe that everything--every person, place, situation you experience changes you. Not drastically, of course, but you are ever so slightly different than you were before each new encounter. This helps me to see the positive side to things...without each and every thing that has happened to me, I wouldn't be exactly who I am today.

Love,

Shelley

free to be me

Sunday was, for the general public, Halloween, and for many Christians, Reformation Day. I am a fan of both. Don't be fooled--Reformation Day isn't a "Christian response" to Halloween. It's actually older than Halloween, and they just happen to fall on the same day of the year. It's not anyone's fault that Martin Luther picked October 31, 1517 to nail his 95 theses on a church door. Well, I suppose it's Martin Luther's fault. But I just want to make it clear that I have no problem with kids dressing up and asking people for candy. I've had some great costumes over the years. At 5 I was a kitten, at 8 I was a ballerina, at 13 I was Trinity from The Matrix, at 14 Beth and I were each other (it was awesome, btw), and last year I was a hippie. I really committed to that one, too, abstaining from shaving my legs for almost 2 weeks before Halloween. Yeah. This year, however, I wore no costume. I was happy being me!

After a church service at which I thundered out A Mighty Fortress Is Our God, my siblings and I (sans parents who are greatly missed on their wonderful vacation) went to a Reformation Day celebration hosted by some wonderful church friends of ours. We had such a great time fellowshipping with so many other believers. A couple hours in to the party, the host gave a wonderful presentation on the Reformation, and the life of St. Augustine. At the very end of it, he said something that has stuck with me, primarily because it has been on my mind so much for the past several weeks. He was wrapping up explaining how Christ saved us out of death because we could not save ourselves, and that because of Him, we are not held by death or bondage. "That is freedom in Christ." It most certainly is.

Like I said--this topic has largely occupied my thoughts as of late. Too many times I have seen freedom in Christ neglected and replaced with human bondage. Too many times I have seen that human bondage consume entire families to the point where they stifle their own children or ostracize their friends. It breaks my heart. I am so thankful to God for a) the freedom He has given His people, and b) for allowing me to realize and take hold of it! I don't need a formula or a list or a method. I need Christ. And since I have Him, I am free to be myself, free to live for Him, free from feeling like I'm "not doing it right."

Anyway, it was so wonderful to hear those words spoken in a large setting on Sunday night. I write about freedom in Christ in my journal constantly, and I talk about it occasionally online or in my own home, so it was nice to hear it from someone else's mouth. And no matter who you are, it is always something beneficial to be reminded of. I left that night remembering for the thousandth time over how grateful I am for my freedom, and how I can't even imagine living without it. It must be such a sad existence.

I hope you all had a wonderful day on Sunday, whatever your preferred holiday.

Love, always,

Shelley