My Own Personal Saboteur, or Why CJ Is My Least Favorite Sister

My sister CJ has been married and gone for almost two months now. So naturally, I thought that it was time for me to start taking over a few of her many responsibilities, one of which is making the world's most amazing bagels. So yesterday, I asked her for the recipe, which she kindly (or so I thought) posted on Facebook for me. Here is what posted:

Bagels, in small terms for Shelley.

5 c hot water

2 T yeast

Dissolve yeast in water.

Add:

8 scant cups flour

Cover and let rise till doubled in bulk and very bubbly.

Add:

3 T yeast

1/4 c honey

8 c flour

It's ok if you can't stir all the flour in. Turn it onto the counter and knead it in until dough is very firm and stiff.

Divide into 32 equal pieces. Roll each piece into a ball. Poke a hole in the middle of each ball and stretch out the hole till it looks like a bagel. Cover and let rise till they're as big as you want them.

Fill dutch oven about halfway with water. Boil. Reduce to heavy simmer. Put bagels in the boiling water. Boil on each side 2-3 minutes.

Put boiled bagels on baking sheets that have been greased and sprinkled with cornmeal.

Bake at 425 till they're done. How long? I have no idea. Just till they're brown and look done.

If I had been a little bit more intelligent (if you know me, say nothing), I might have caught the malicious glitch above. But I did not, and I made my bagels, following this recipe exactly. I only had to call her ONCE to make sure I was doing it right. She evilly assured me that everything was going just fine. Feeling rather good about myself and my bagels, I put the first batch in the oven. After a conspicuously long time of them not looking done, I finally pulled them out, only to realize with horror that they were ROCK. HARD. Blerg. I must have overbaked them. No problem, I'll get it right the second time around. So I put the next batch in and hoped for the best. In the meantime, I crack open one of my fossilized bagels, found it to be slightly soft in the middle, and tasted it...or, I tried to taste it. What I tasted reminded me of water. Or dirt. So in a frenzy, I call my dear sister--the sister I rely on for nearly everything, and thus went our conversation:

CJ: Hey! Did they turn out okay?
Me: NO!
CJ: Why? What did you do? (Notice how she tries to pin this on me)
Me: I don't know! The first batch came out and they're completely hard, so I thought I had overbaked them, but I tasted them and I can't taste anything! Was I supposed to put salt in them or something??
CJ: Yes! Of course you were!
Me: Well it's not in the recipe you gave me.
CJ: Yes it is.
Me: No it's not. I'm looking at it right now.
CJ: Oh no.....oh crap.....
Me: What?
CJ: I put yeast instead of salt!

At this time, I'd like to invite you to revisit the recipe above, and notice that yeast appears twice in the recipe--the first time, like normal, dissolved in water. But the SECOND time, my friends, THREE EXTRA TABLESPOONS mixed in with honey and flour. You guessed it--that yeast was supposed to be salt. Which accounts for the bagel being rock solid, the lack of flavor, and the fact that they were ENORMOUS.

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS????
CJ: *uncontrollable laughter with interspersed "I'm so sorry!!"s*
Me: I hate you so much. What am I going to do with 32 huge hard nasty bagels??
CJ: *see above*
Me: You are the worst sister ever.
CJ: Oh my gosh, that's so disgusting! You put five tablespoons of yeast in the bagels??
Me: Don't try and make this about me. WHO is the blonde sister now?!

So 32 bagels (some cooked, some not) went into the trash. It is my firm belief that CJ felt threatened by my mad baking skills and didn't want me stepping on her finest work, so she sabotaged me on purpose. She would do that. You know she would. She's just that evil.

Ugh.

I miss her so much.




Love,
Shelley