leaning on Him

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Love,

Shelley

waiting on the world to change

I've recently been feeling very convicted by my lack of evangelism. I can very easily say I have a "heart for evangelism," and a "love for the lost," but at the moment, since I'm not in school anymore, I haven't been living that out. My wandering mind has led me to draw comparisons.

I work at Ann Taylor. Every time I go in and start my shift, my manager updates me on how we are doing in terms of sales, Style Rewards, etc. I am good at both of those things. I can add 3 pieces to an outfit in a dressing room and I can convince women to open credit cards. I'm trustworthy and persuasive. I make people like me. So it hit me earlier,

Why am I not capitalizing on this outside of a clothing store??

When I am so good at helping women find clothes that will work for them, why am I not helping people in their walk with the Lord, or helping them to find their walk?

When I am so good at saying, "Have you heard about our Style Rewards program? Here are all the benefits...," why am I not saying, "Have you heard about Jesus? Here's how he died so you could live...?"

Ann Taylor sets a sales goal for every hour, day, week, month. I'm going to set myself a witnessing goal. I'm excited!

Love, Shelley

well it goes without saying

Been too busy to blog lately...summer does not = summer break.

I have the privilege of lending my soprano-ness to a choir that will perform at two fundraising events for Voice of the Martyrs. VOM is a wonderful organization and I am proud to be a part of this, but the rehearsing is a trip. Fortunately, the two events are the last two Fridays of this month, so we're almost done!

Ann Taylor hired me as a stylist/sales associate, which is fun. When I was a little girl, I would have fainted from excitement if I knew that at 18, I would be required to get moderately dressed up for work, and spend hours styling people. I also think I would have been shocked if I knew that I would come to resent wearing high heels at the end of each day. Mais c'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

Today is the first day all week that I am home for dinner. Well, really, it's the first day all week that I've been home period. I've been looking forward to today for that very reason, but now that it's more than halfway through the day, I feel like I need to be doing something. I'm not sure I know how not to do anything anymore. All I've been able to do all day is think--which I haven't had time for all week. It's odd.

Well, I've knocked out two items on my list of things to do. Good for me.

I think this is my most aimless, undirected post to date. Time to go find something to do.

Love,

Shelley

measure in love

Something that I have been pondering for a while now is the issue of homosexuality and the rights demanded by homosexuals in this country. As recent as a year ago, I would have told you, straight up, homosexuality was the worst offense, that there is no "coming back" from it, and that conservatives should fight to keep gay marriage illegal at all costs. What I would not have said, but would have felt, is that homosexuals aren't worth my time. I am truly ashamed to admit that. The homosexuals I came in contact with were immediately written off and disdainfully ignored.

I don't recall when specifically my mind changed, but after praying, reading and thinking about it, I came to the realization that homosexuals deserve and need to hear the Gospel just as much as every other unbeliever. If, as is so often the case, Christians more often judge and pay less attention homosexuals than to the rest of the world, can we hardly blame them for rejecting Christ? What example do we set?

I do believe homosexuality is wrong. Scripture gives ample evidence to that. But does that mean that I shouldn't love homosexuals? Does that mean I shouldn't pray for them? Does that mean I shouldn't waste my breath telling them about Christ? Of course not.

I would never do anything to assist in the passing of a gay marriage law. However, I am not going to waste energy standing in its way. Marriage was given to Christians as a religious, Scriptural institution. And to Christians, it has remained that way. But in this country, where two people have to get permission from their state to get married, marriage is a civil institution, having nothing to do with religion. For this reason, I don't see the point in conservatives spending valuable time, money and effort into making sure that no two men or women can obtain a marriage license, especially when this law is so inevitable. Gay marriage will become legal very soon. When thousands of children are being murdered legally in this country every day, when Christians are persecuted for their faith all around the world, why are we so concerned about this group of people that simply wants the benefits that come with being "married?" Conservatives need to throw up their hands on this issue and narrow their focus to things on which they have a fighting chance--i.e. Roe v. Wade.

When this does pass into law, homosexuals will forever look back and say, "The Christians tried to stand in our way." And they'd be right. I know that many don't share this same view, but the way I see it, how does it affect me if homosexuals can get married? Oh yeah, it doesn't really. I was not put on this earth to judge homosexuals--or anyone. I was put here by God to a) glorify Him, b) spread His Word, and c) love. First and foremost, I love Christ. I love the Church. And I love the lost. How do I glorify God and spread His Word if I don't overflow with love for those to whom He called me to witness? Equally as important, why would the lost be open to the teachings of Christ if Christians are perpetually antagonizing them? What if Christians gently but firmly stated that we do not agree with homosexuals' lifestyle choices, but that we love them? Why all the commotion that only ends in bitterness on both sides? Why would homosexuals ever be open to the Gospel after that?

As I have said, I think the passage of this law is imminent. But I firmly believe that a necessary caveat to this law be that churches must reserve the right not to perform homosexual wedding ceremonies, or grant church membership to homosexual couples. In talking with my brother-in-law about this the other night, he profoundly commented that more important than churches having the right not to perform such ceremonies will be churches having the courage not to. Hmm.

I have been told that my point of view is too conservative for liberals and too liberal for conservatives. Story of my life.

In peace and love,

Shelley

Things I learned and did while 17

As chronologically as possible, starting with my 17th birthday.

• Broken Social Scene's "Anthems For a 17-Year-Old Girl" is highly irrelevant
• Going to the pool with your nieces and nephews is a delicious way to spend a birthday
• I started reading Fahrenheit 451 on my birthday because in the first chapter, the female character introduces herself as "17 and crazy." Thus, my interest was piqued. I have yet to finish the book.
• Listening to swing music while on a stepladder is a very. bad. idea.
• Directing rehearsals for a kids' musical in the dead of summer, outside, is the worst.
• Two of my best friends and I started a movie review blog. It was great. Except that we thought of it at 3 in the morning. That was a year ago, and there are all of two posts.
• Apparently, the death of a hasbeen, pedophile popstar can cause national uproar unlike anything I'd seen.
• The best way to spend a summer is with a sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew.
• It is madness trying to get pictures of 9 siblings, everyone in a different color, making sure that two people standing next to each other don't clash.
• My brother-in-law Dave painted my room. It is gold and sparkly. No kidding. It goes well with my dark purple curtains.
• Having an organ in the house does not necessarily mean that I will ever be motivated enough to learn to play it.
• The people closest to you can easily turn on you out of the blue.
• In one morning, I made 5 dozen orange cake balls, 5 dozen chocolate cake balls, 2 dozen chocolate dipped strawberries and 2 pots of hot tea for a little girls' tea party with their Granny.
• I had 3 WHMC doctors, 4 X-rays and 6 physical therapists tell me that I have a bad back--which I already knew.
• When the power goes out at your house in the middle of summer, your entire family can crash a friend's house and have a wonderful time.
• Holocaust movies are sad, but tolerable. Holocaust movies about children are unbearable.
• I complain too much.
• Texas cake is amazing, but don't ever try to layer it. It was cause of much heartache.
• I made community college much more fun by withholding my age as long as possible, and watching people's faces afterwards.
• My sisters and I went to see Jason Mraz in Austin, and it was life-changing.
• The last musical my sisters and I directed brought out the worst in me. And many other people.
• Never again will I participate another of the aforementioned musical.
• Give grace.
• I look old enough that people don't ask my age before offering me Jello shots.
• I would have done better to refuse the Jello shots.
• One of the best things I did all year was start taking voice lessons.
• L'habite ne fait pas le moine.
• Being claustrophobic and being stuck in an elevator is absolutely no fun.
• Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever take trust for granted.
• See above.
• See above.
• See above.
• Find a healthy way to express yourself.
• It's hard to apologize when you're not ready to be forgiven.
• Be grateful for the people with whom God surrounds you.
• Excessive baking is not the answer.
• I read a Dr. Seuss book in French to some very Texan kids. It was very fun.
• If I find that I've been taking myself too seriously, I go out in public in my green skinny jeans.
• You can never be "prepared enough."
• In January, I tried to quit caffeine until my birthday. I lasted one day.
• Reflect often upon what you are grateful for.
• Journaling in French makes it much more difficult for your sister to read it (as per usual).
• I'd rather listen to truly talented, secular artists than mediocre, watered down Christian artists.
• J'étais française dans une autre vie.
• Frankenstein is an intensely powerful book.
• My lifelong disdain for poetry was rooted in an incomplete poetic education.
• I am now a very big John Keats fan.
• Don't associate with adults who insist on acting like children. In a bad way.
• My metronome has tough love for me.
• Ask yourself what your purpose is.
• My brothers will do literally ANYTHING for sandwiches.
• American Idol is lame.
• This not-being-able-to-drive business is nonsense.
• Taking senior pictures on a windy day is not very fun.
• Breaking ties is hard.
• Don't call yourself secure until you've been called some horrible things and see how you feel.
• La grâce couvre une multitude de péchés.
• Apparently, my heart can break without my even knowing it!
• My expectations for a Christian concert were far too low before seeing Hillsong United.
• Whenever someone begins talking to me by saying my name, it usually means they're being condescending.
• Whenever someone ends a sentence to me with my name, it usually means they're being encouraging or emphatic.
• I made complete strangers think that I only spoke French. It was a good feeling.
• I have been taking my sister CJ for granted for 18 years. Now she's getting married and leaving me. I'm preparing for a hard adjustment.
• I realized that I have a compulsive need to be right. I'm working on it.
• Senioritis is not a myth. It is vicious. It is caused by a mixture of adolescence and 12 consecutive years in school; its symptoms include lethargy, apathy and severe procrastination regarding school, and everything.
• Judging a band by the amount of eyeliner the male lead singer wears (or used to wear) can deafen you to their beautiful music.
• Loving someone out of obligation is not love.
• I graduated high school!
• I spent an entire year preparing for my senior piano recital.
• I played, from memory, seven major piano works at the aforementioned piano recital.
• The people of whom you think well can disappoint you.
• The people of whom you don't think well can surprise you.
• I decided that I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I was/am okay with that.

from where i sit you're one of a kind

I did it. What did I do? I graduated high school, that's what. While I did not have a formal graduation, I did have a formal senior recital, at which my father handed me my diploma.

I started planning this recital a year ago, after my conservatory's Grand recital--I had just wrapped up my junior year. My piano teacher introduced the idea of doing a senior recital to me, and my thought was, "I have a whole year. I can SO do this. This will be fun." Historically, I do not get nervous before piano recitals, competitions, festivals, etc., so what did I have to do except practice and be excited? My other constant thought was, "I wonder what kind of person I'll be at my senior recital." I thought about that a lot.

So for the next year, I worked diligently on putting together and polishing my repertoire. But before I knew it, my year was almost over. As June 5th got closer and closer, the pressure kept building and I was getting more and more worried and stressed about it. But my parents, teachers and friends all assured me that it would be fine. So I practiced for hours every day, even escaping to the conservatory to play uninterrupted.

Finally, I woke up on June 5th at 9 o'clock, after spending a marvelous night with my sister Beth and three of our closest friends. I got up, took a shower, had bean and cheese tacos for breakfast (compliments of Beth and Chey who left the house without us knowing, and came back with armfulls of Taco Cabana), did my hair and makeup, practiced my pieces for the last time as a high school student, we loaded up the cars and were off to Castle Hills. When we got there, I tried to helpful as my wonderful family and aforementioned friends set everything up, but each time I ended up walking around aimlessly with shaking hands and pounding heart and butterflies in my stomach.

4 o'clock got closer and closer. I got dressed and was told to go hibernate backstage as guests started to arrive. So I had Beth (who was out greeting people) put her phone on speaker so I could hear everything going on, while I was locked away, with nothing to do but marinate in my own nerves. I had a couple visitors--sister CJ and friend Samuel came to check up on me and wish me luck one last time. Then I heard Pawpop voice the opening prayer, I heard Mrs. Woodard introduce me, I felt myself walk down the ramp, explain my first song choice, sit down at the piano bench and think to myself, "Well, I guess this is who I'm going to be at my senior recital." I sent one last prayer heavenward for peace and strength, and I played. After each piece, I left the stage and came back to more applause. I don't really remember what I was doing in my 1/2 minute backstage between pieces. I remember that it felt like a dream. A surreal, intense dream in which I was doing what I know best, and all of the people I love and who love me were watching.

Before I knew it, I thundered the last G of Chopin's Ballade in G Minor, lifted my fingers from their ivory friends and breathed an enormous sigh of relief and gratitude. I took my last bow, came to meet Mrs. Woodard and knew that my legs were shaking and my face was flushed. Dad read from Colossians, handed me my diploma with Mom, prayed, I handed my two amazing piano teachers flowers, then went backstage to change for the third time. Sisters CJ and Aubrey were waiting to help me and make sure I was still breathing (I think I was).

Once I had changed clothes, I went out to my reception, where I spent the next 2 hours being hugged and complimented by close to 200 people who I am grateful to call my family and friends. I was shaking and ridiculously thirsty. Once it was all over and the last guests had left, I collapsed into a chair beside my mother and felt the feeling return to my body.

When it was all said and done and cleaned up, some of my siblings and our good friends went to have dinner and see Letters to Juliet (which was terrible, mind you). Then I came home, talked with my parents about the night, and after lying in bed with my mind racing for about an hour, I fell asleep, waking up in exactly the same position the next morning (being an extremely light sleeper, this NEVER happens to me).

Being the human that I am, my recital was rife with mistakes--tripped cadenzas, jazz chords, a [graceful] transition from triplets to sixteenth notes, a clumsy page-turn, and 8 measures that I up and skipped, but the fact that I did it at all is kind of awesome, isn't it? I didn't have to play a senior recital. I didn't have to memorize 90 minutes worth of music. But I did! And I'm so grateful for that. God gave me a talent, and I got to share it with so many people. I'm ecstatic.

I'm also ecstatic that it's over and I feel so optimistic about where my life will take me, post-high school. It's gonna be great. Want to come?

i'm feelin good

I got to thinking yesterday: I've finished my college classes for the semester, by the end of this month I'll be finished with the last of my high school requirements, by June 5 I'll have finished my senior piano recital. I made the decision to take a gap year next year, for many reasons. So now the questions has hit me: what in the world am I going to do with myself? I'll have an entire year to regain the sanity and order that left me during high school, but beyond continuing to pursue piano and singing, I haven't made very many plans. So I figured I should make some.

During my gap year, I want to:

• get a REAL job
• get my driver's license
• take a road trip by myself
• change someone's life
• smoke a cigarette...just one, once
• become trustworthy
• play pretty music with my friends...often
• stop pretending I'm more hipster than I really am
• [finally] learn to play my organ
• read more books
• start applying myself more to church music
• say "thank you" more
• grow up

Hmm. I'll probably add more as I think of them. That should keep me busy for a while, I'd imagine.