no more, my God

I am an open person.

Depending on who you are, you may either condemn or condone me for that. Take it for what it is, there is very little that I hide.

I have been extremely transparent on this blog, and for that, I have recently received both praise and criticism. I asked for neither. I understand both. On the one hand, I am grateful that others find my transparency refreshing. It makes me feel like all of this writing isn't for nothing. On the other hand, being transparent means being honest about not only myself, but the relationships I have, and the people involved. So I get that others who aren't as open as I am don't take too kindly to receiving a shout-out from yours truly for all the world to see. So, I'm sorry if it makes people feel uncomfortable, but this is how I'm trying to live my life: honestly.

At this time last year, I was not nearly this person. I had a relationship (not a romantic one, but a clandestine one nonetheless) that I kept completely hidden from everyone important to me. I started lying about little things--things that didn't even matter. I severely damaged my relationships with my parents, my siblings and my friends, I wasn't sleeping, wasn't studying (I honestly do not know how I managed to pass all of my classes). Getting caught the first time did nothing--I just got more elaborate in my dishonesty. It took getting caught a second time; this time with much more painful consequences, to make me realize how I was ruining my life at the tender age of 17. So, I made some drastic changes. I had to work hard at gaining back all the trust that I had lost. It was one of the hardest lessons God ever taught me.

So now, a year later, I keep almost nothing to myself. Concealing things did absolutely nothing but bad things for me. So this is who I am. You can find nearly everything there is to know about me on this blog. The good, the bad and the ugly. And that's the way I like it. I don't want to be private or hidden or mysterious. I want to be open and honest.

So for openness and honesty's sake, this is about as transparent as I come:

There are still some nights when I can't fall asleep because I'm caught between bitter anger and devastated love for him. There are some days when I look in the mirror and feel like if I was a better person he would have fought for me. I never walk into Ann Taylor without looking at the chairs outside and wondering if today is the day he'll come see me. Every few days, I send him a text to see if my number is still blocked from his phone. Then there are days when I go several hours having completely forgotten about him, only to wake up rudely. I feel like a complete mess sometimes.

BUT, I know that Christ loves me. He didn't fight for me--He died for me. There is never a time when I can't have access to Him. He was with me when I could hide everything from everyone else--I couldn't hide from Him. He was with me when I didn't wear makeup for days because I cried too often. He is with me now as I am trying to figure out all of the lessons He is teaching me through this. And He'll be with me forever. Without Him, I am absolutely nothing. Without Him, I AM a mess. But I am not without Him, and because of Him, I am not a mess. He won't let me be.

There you have it. I have no problem telling you all of this, because God didn't make us to hide behind fake smiles and syrupy "I'm fine"s. He didn't give us emotions so we could hide or slight them. Feelings are for FEELING. I refuse to feel bad that I don't hide them all away. I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can say, "I'd do it all over again because of what God did through it all." I still pretty much wish it had never happened. But I'm very hopeful that I'll get to that point at some point!

In love,

Shelley

PS. I will always be ready to be your friend.

Trust me

Ever noticed how loosely we throw around the word "trust?" It's a big deal to put your trust in someone. To have faith in them. To believe that they won't let you down.

I have a "childlike trust in the goodness of others." Unfortunately, it sets me up for disappointment more often than not. I simply force myself to believe that people, in general, are good, and that they won't disappoint or hurt me. Of course, that is generally not the case. People, in general, are bad. People are not trustworthy, and they will disappoint you.

Last night, sister Beth, almost-sister Cristen and I were having a somewhat melancholy discussion about trust. The conclusion we came to was that God must have made us all so untrustworthy on purpose. If people could be trusted, no one would need to trust in God. That is the comfort in which I rest. When people inevitably fail me, God will never.

However, even after coming to this realization, I still tend to place my trust in faulty, fallen people. I can't exactly help it. After all, I am part of that faulty, fallen people. I trust too easily. I suppose it goes along with being an optimist. There's nothing wrong with wanting to assume the best in people. I'm not saying I think that one should never trust another person. What I'm reveling in is that I know there is One who will never, ever give me a reason not to trust Him. He gave me the gift of faith in Him, and I can always rest in that. It's an amazing feeling.

To hear with my heart

To see with my soul

To be guided by a Hand I cannot hold

To trust in a way that I cannot see

That's what faith must be

~Michael Card

Love,

Shelley

"This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know up front: this is not a love story"

Over the past two months, I have experienced nearly every emotional state imaginable--all jumbled together, sometimes confusing one for another, not seeing where one ended and another began: love, anger, fear, disappointment, bliss, confusion, denial, hope, hopelessness, impatience, abandonment, recklessness, calm, heartbreak, vindictiveness, pride, spite, serenity, selfishness. I can honestly say that the better part of July, August and September have collectively been the most stressful time in my life. But God has done so much in my life in this time. More than I ever imagined. My post about grace could not have come at a more appropriate time.

Back in June, I reconnected with a young man with whom I've been friends for the better part of 8 years. Long, complicated story short, we realized we had feelings for each other that went deeper than friendship. That was in the middle of August. Choosing a method that I respectfully disagreed with, his parents asked us not to communicate at all until such a time when he (and they) felt confirmation from the Lord that this was what He wanted for us. Well, it must not have been, because we didn't exactly adhere to their request, resulting in communication once again being severed, this time with more hurt and heartache. Rough emails were exchanged between children and parents, no one walked away unscathed or faultless. Not wanting to end things badly, I sought him out yesterday morning, thanks to an extremely supportive friend. We talked for about an hour, clearing the air, saying what needed to be said, and parting on excellent (if wistful) terms.

I don't pretend to know what will happen in the future. All I know is that I love him dearly, I'm crushed at the way things turned out for us, I want things between our families to be okay, and I miss being his friend more than I can say. Before it all got complicated, I could talk to him about anything. He was with me when I smoked my first cigarette. We had the most interesting and stimulating conversations. Now I can't talk to him at all...that hurts. It can't and won't last forever, this I know. This will move out of the present, into memory, and we will move on in grace, love and friendship. And someday, he and I will go to Orange Cup, because apparently I'm the only person in all of San Antonio who hasn't been. :) God has a lot in store for both of us, and I take comfort in the fact that nothing surprises Him. He knew every move we would make, every word we would say, every time we would lose sight of Him, every time He would make us find Him again. It's a good feeling. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

Love,

Shelley

leaning on Him

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1 Peter 4:12-13

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Love,

Shelley

waiting on the world to change

I've recently been feeling very convicted by my lack of evangelism. I can very easily say I have a "heart for evangelism," and a "love for the lost," but at the moment, since I'm not in school anymore, I haven't been living that out. My wandering mind has led me to draw comparisons.

I work at Ann Taylor. Every time I go in and start my shift, my manager updates me on how we are doing in terms of sales, Style Rewards, etc. I am good at both of those things. I can add 3 pieces to an outfit in a dressing room and I can convince women to open credit cards. I'm trustworthy and persuasive. I make people like me. So it hit me earlier,

Why am I not capitalizing on this outside of a clothing store??

When I am so good at helping women find clothes that will work for them, why am I not helping people in their walk with the Lord, or helping them to find their walk?

When I am so good at saying, "Have you heard about our Style Rewards program? Here are all the benefits...," why am I not saying, "Have you heard about Jesus? Here's how he died so you could live...?"

Ann Taylor sets a sales goal for every hour, day, week, month. I'm going to set myself a witnessing goal. I'm excited!

Love, Shelley

"Music is such an expensive habit"

The current most played artists on my iTunes: Jason Mraz, The Beatles, Ingrid Michaelson, The Killers, Tom Petty, Blue October, The Ditty Bops, Regina Spektor, Joshua Radin, Brendan James, Alexa Wilkinson.

I don't know that I would call myself a "music geek." But I'm not sure what I would call myself. I am deeply passionate about music. For the past seven years, I have been paying my dues and doing my time to get to where I am with music. I appreciate good music. I do not appreciate bad music. I have a critical ear. Music is something that everyone loves, but not everyone is good at. It does not necessarily make me mean, arrogant, closed-minded or any less in love with music because I am not afraid to say that a good number of people in popular music are not good musicians. I am entitled to my own opinions as much as you are entitled to disagree with them.

I long to see the day when real musicians dominate popular music once again.

Unfortunately, these days, people are obsessed with the following sad excuses for artists:

Ke$ha. I have a theory that this girl represents everything wrong with popular music. Countless songs about drunken hookups? Check. Autotune? Check. Elementary rhymes? Check. Bonus White Trash factor? Check check.

Orianthi. I will be the first to admit: Orianthi is an incredibly gifted guitarist. The sad thing is, she's not satisfied with that, and seems to think that since she's such a great guitarist, she must be able to sing as well. Sad, sad misunderstanding. Her current single, "According to You," which is topping the charts, is just plain awful. I would not be surprised if a fifth grade girl wrote it.

Justin Bieber. Aside from being essentially a sweatshop kid, who told him it was a good idea to use "Baby, baby, baby oh (x2)" as a chorus? Poor kid.

Miley Cyrus. Sweetheart, try singing without sounding like you have a sinus infection. Also, try not to call yourself a Christian, then pole dance at a kids' awards show. And if you're not too busy, you might give good songwriting a try. You are one of the mass of teenage girls who think that pretty face=pretty voice.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some wonderful exceptions. Jason Mraz almost single-handedly brought real music back into the mainstream. How? Because he knows how to play his instruments well, he has a classically smooth voice, and his use of the English language is unparalleled. Blue October (one of the only rock bands I enjoy) also fought through the mess of bad music to make it. Lead singer Justin Furstenfeld's painfully impassioned voice mixed with their creative and beautiful use of not only electric, but classical instruments and very relatable, yet still original, lyrical concepts made them a very interesting and stimulating band. There are others, such as The Killers, Sara Bareilles, Staind, Ben Folds, etc.

I only wish these amazing musicians and bands weren't up against such nonsense competition and a musically ignorant generation. It's a hard fight upstream. But don't worry, your day is coming soon. One day, everyone will wake up and realize the beauty of real music. For the present, though, to avoid stooping to mediocrity, I am more than content to a) err on the side of indie, where the most wonderful artists reside and make beautiful music for the few people interested, and b) go way back, listening to the music my parents grew up on.

In love and truth, Shelley.

Purpose

I am a Christian. Why? Because God, though I did nothing to deserve it, called me out of death and into eternal life. I am His and He is mine. Forever. Because of this marvelous grace, I strive to live my life as He commands. It is an impossible task, because He is perfect and I am not (hence the grace). But I still purpose to glorify Him in everything I do. I also identify myself as a Calvinist. My personal beliefs have aligned themselves with the Scriptural teachings of John Calvin. I am aware that most Christians do not hold the same views that I do. I will gladly and enthusiastically enter into a theological debate with you about what I believe and defend it with Scripture, but it is not my calling to make Calvinists of all nations. It is my calling to make disciples of all nations. My non-Calvinist colleagues and friends are no less-saved than I am.

I am a daughter. It is my responsibility as such to respect and honor my parents. I am expected to follow every rule, command and advice from my parents. You would think that seeing as how I have the most wonderful parents in the world, it would be ridiculously easy for me to do so. Unfortunately, this is not the case. God knows I have pushed (and broken) their boundaries countless times. But at the end of the day, I know that they still love me, I know that I love them, and that is enough for me to try my hardest not to make the same mistakes again.

I am a sister. I have been blessed with the eight most fantastic people ever as my siblings. We have our disagreements, of course, but we are each other's family and best friends, and I owe it to all of them to love them unconditionally and forgive every flaw. It is my privilege to be there for all of them when they need me, to buy them a drink, to bring them a bowl in which to vomit, to aimlessly chatter with them, to defend their names to others and to babysit their kids.

I am a friend. Although many times I'm bad at deserving them, I have some amazing friends. As a friend, it is my job always to be there if you need to talk, laugh, cry, curse, sleep or hug. It is my job to be honest with you, about the positive and negative. It is also my job to let you be the same for me. My most treasured friends are the ones who love me enough to tell me when I am wrong. Like I said, I don't really deserve these friendships, but since I am blessed enough to have them, I strive to be as good a friend to you as you are to me.

I am a musician. God gave me talent. I am not afraid to admit that. He gave me the ability to sing and play piano. I was not given talent to squander. I was purposed to cultivate it, to discipline myself and to use it all for His glory. My music is to be for no audience but Him. As such, I strive to be the best musician I can, because I am playing for the King of Kings.

I am a person. This may sound arbitrary, seeing as how we are all people. That is exactly my point. No two people are exactly the same, so stop trying to imitate someone else and try creating someone you. I have a responsibility to myself to be true to myself. It would be an insult to my unique character if I were to emulate another unique character. I am me.

Whatever you are and whatever you do, be purposeful. Leave nothing half-fulfilled. If you're going to do something, do it really, really well.

Love, Shelley.

c'est pour vous

If you see something you don't understand, how do you respond? Do you a) let it go and accept that you are not meant to understand it (negative capability), b) make a concerted effort to understand it (self-improvement), or c) presume that because you can't understand it, you are better than it (arrogance)? The first is my preferred option, the second is very common and perfectly acceptable, the third is dangerous, shameful, and all too common. I am of the mindset that if something is unclear to me (especially when it does not directly apply to me), it is not meant to weigh down my mind. I know many, many people (including my vastly intelligent mother) who fixate upon learning and understanding everything. I am of the opinion that this is unnecessary, but my brain is wired differently than most. This activity works for many people, and they are the more intelligent for it. Unfortunately, still others prefer to "rise above" what they don't understand and deride it in order to make themselves feel superior. I feel that this is a sad and sometimes hurtful attempt to hide personal insecurities.

Ignorance can be fruitful, and it can also be dangerous. Arrogance is never fruitful, and is always dangerous. I prefer to err on the side of caution and shy away from foreboding absolutes.

Peace and love, Shelley.

I write to you, not because you do not know the truth, but because you know it, and because no lie is of the truth. 1 John 2:21

Profound truths come from everywhere.

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." -Gandhi

"You should worship God as if you saw Him, for although you cannot see Him, He sees you." -Qu'ran

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -The Dalai Lama

"I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good." -Seneca

disappointments make for the best appreciations

Have you ever noticed that? I certainly have--many times lately, in fact. My normally impenetrable immune system has come under fire, leaving me drowsy, coughing and swallowing painfully, my neck stiff and sore, and a handful of peaceful slumbers rudely interrupted by the incessant need to breathe. Lame sinuses. I'm not complaining though. What I mean is that I always forget what a blessing health is until I am once removed from it. Which, in turn, makes sickness a blessing.

One of my many quirks as a musician is that I get quietly furious when, entranced in a Chopin ballade or Mozart sonata, I am jolted back to reality by someone calling out the familiar name "Shelley!" I can't explain the place to which I lose myself when I sit at my piano, but it's a place I like to be, and in which no one else exists. To make the transition from one realm of reality to another is jarring. But, as with the sickness, I never appreciate my sweet solitude more than when I am forced to leave it.

Be grateful for the inconveniences and disturbances. Without them, your life might be perfect, but you wouldn't know it.

Love, Shelley.

I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies

A beautiful flower may hide a painful thorn, but it can't be hidden forever. Once it is exposed, the flower loses a part of its value. The thorn may be removed, but whoever holds the flower will forever be suspicious of other potential thorns. Time may pass in which no other thorns are found on the flower, but a simple imperfect bump on the stem can be perceived as a thorn to the wary eye. Thus the thorn suspicion is reinforced, and any trust that the flower gained is lost once again.